Software problem?

Ok, this is nothing but vent... Sorry. Its just that its frustrating when this early, I can see a looming 'software problem' - by that i mean communication issues with somebody dear. I just don't get it how we can speak the same language and somehow, he doesn't seem to get me. Like maybe one of us is not on the same page, merong nauuna, may naiiwan. Maybe, we are on the same page but are on different books? Aargh.... Maybe, He badly needs to learn the art of listening and not merely hearing or is it me? Communication requires a process that you have to think and absorb what is said before one answers back or reacts. Its something that has to be worked on, seriously!!!!!! EFFORT... EFFORT! God have mercy, I pray we would be able to communicate better....

The Hand that rocked the cradle...

Forgive me for being in such a sentimental mode because Mothers Day is coming up. Earlier I wrote about my mom who I lost at the age of 7. I am truly grateful that God provided Mother-figures in my life since that time some 30 years ago even up to the present. One of those is my lola (my maternal grandmother) - one closest to my heart who I remember with fondness. I wrote this in my journal way back when there weren't blogs yet. A fitting tribute to this very special woman :

The hand that rocked the cradle is usually referred to as a mother's hand. In my case, it is my Lola. Lola assumed the role of a mother to us when mama passed away. She promised her daughter in her deathbed that she was going to take care of her children and she made true her promise until her last breath. Lola loved and doted on us much that she was often accused of favoritism by her own children and some grandchildren. Lola filled that void left, gave us the love, care and security that my mom should have given had she lived.

Lola is a beautiful woman. She was called " Elizabeth Taylor of Davao" or " The rose of Tagum " in her Hayday. She was like Imelda Marcos (Former First Lady), the way they dress, they way they were always made up. She had very good skin and she took care of herself really well. " Flawless", that is a good way to describe her beauty.

She was glamorous and stylish. Truly, taste is something one is born with. She has excellent taste in clothes. She wore beautiful jewelry. Her bags and shoes were signatured. She rocks!

She was all about cleanliness and order. From herself to her homes in Davao and Manila - Spic and Span. Even when she was sick already, she was forever changing her dusters, washcloth, diapers, underwear every two minutes because she felt it was dirty and soiled when its not. She gargled 3 pitchers of water at a time - no exag. She doesn't even go to dialysis without make-up and perfume. Sobrang Vanidosa.

My Lola had a personality to boot too. She is spunky. She speaks her heart and mind not minding how she comes across. She doesn't care what people might think and say. When she makes decisions, she stands by it. She knows what she wants and what makes her happy. She is strong-willed too. Inspite of 2 close calls and a stroke that left her half-paralized in her later years. She would go through her dialysis thrice a week. It was not easy but she lived through it till it was time to rest.

Lola was a christian. She was a Pastor's daughter and sister. I would see her read her bible and do her quiet time every morning growing up. She would play praise songs on the piano. Her favorite piece is " How Great Thou Art.". She instilled the value of attending service as the first order of the day on Sundays to me. (Which is why I always preferred to attend 9 AM service and I do my quiet time at the start of the day too). Lola was also generous to her spiritual family. She was very supportive to church members and gave a lot to her church. (UCCP).

My Lola had a big heart. She was helpful and generous. That is what her friends will always remember her for. That is how she earned the loyalty, love and respect of those who served her through the years. She was simply there in their time of need. She was very giving to her siblings too. She was blessed because she blessed others.

Lola was LOVE personified. She loved deeply with intensity. She expressed the highest form of love by loving unconditionally and showing it by giving one of her kidneys to prolong the life of her child. Because of her, I was not an only child, my mom was able to bear 2 more children and lived longer. Lola's kidney extended my mama's life to another 7 years. Dad and my siblings are forever grateful for that kind of love she gave and her kindness.

Lola was also motherly. She may not be the type who cooks but she took care of our needs, gave us baths, personally attended to us ( even when we had yaya's) when we were sick. She created a safe refuge where Love and security abounded in her presence. Like a typical grandparent, Lola was our "kakampi". I clearly remember she told me once before that whatever happens, she will always take my side, even up to now.=)

I was always close to Lola. As a child, I used to sleep between her and lolo in their big bed before my siblings took that place and I started sleeping in the folding bed that was set up beside her side of the bed. Even as an adult, I'd still sleep beside her when I would go visit her in Davao. We'd pray together, hold hands, snuggle and sleep. Lola always bought me stuff as a child. She would also ask my yaya to bring me to the village gate where she would pick me up and take me along wherever she goes. She did this to avoid jealousy among her other grandchildren. I developed the love for Japanese food because of her influence. We loved eating in Kimpura and Tempura Misono in Hyatt back then.

Lola also taught me life lessons by sharing her experiences. Her journey was not easy at all and she's been through a lot. I understand her completely. Lola always told me to marry for love and not for any other reasons. Sigh.. she didn't live long enough to see me walk down the aisle. When I do, I know she will be looking down from Heaven with the biggest smile on her face.

I am who I am now partly because of her. Lola helped my dad raise us up. Loosing her felt like loosing my mother all over again. But I accept Gods will wholeheartedly. I am thankful for the life that she lived and also thankful that God loved her and freed her from all her sufferings.

I will always be thankful for everything she did and gave. I had a happy childhood inspite my loss simply because she was a big part of it, trying to fill the void. I will always love her beyond measure. Love transcends even in the afterlife. That's how strong it is. The tie that binds us can't be broken and she will always be a special part of me. I know she is just waiting in the other side to welcome me when my time is up.

I miss and love you Lola. We will meet again someday... Happy Mothers Day to you!

Because its Mothers Day...

Hmmmm.... I really can't relate to how it feels to be a real mom yet. I am single (not even a single mom-hahaha). I do know how it feels to take care of a bunch of peeps - my spiritual children - grown-ups actually. It is a privilage to partner with our God in helping them in their walk. I do look forward to one day cradling a baby (not just one) in my arms someday. There are times when I go into panic mode - " Lord, I am not getting any younger... will I ever have children? " but time and again I am reminded that nothing is impossible with God. Sarah - wife of Abraham had a child at a late age ( and I don't think God will make me wait that long... hehehe). God is never late and His timing, not mine is always perfect so I praise Him and thank Him that He always fullfill his promises.

I lost my mom to kidney failure when I was 7 years old. My brother was only 3 years old and my sister was practically a baby at 2 then. Back then I felt deprived. Envious of classmates who had mommy's who picked them up in school, took care of them, bought them things. I had a yaya and a dad who juggled his dual role at the same time and I am thankful. I have gotten over that feeling of deprivation now.

Sometimes, I think maybe things would have turned out differently if my mom were alive but what is the point now? Every child will always be in need of their mother no matter how old they are. She was not physically present in every milestone I have in life nor she will be seen on further milestones we will ever experience but I know she is watching over us. She will not be there to give me away with my dad  on the day I will wed. She will never be there to hold my hand while I am in labor and when I have my children, She will never be able to enjoy them. But I know she will be there just as she is right now. Now i know... She never really left - just unseen. I feel her Love around. Happy Mother's Day Mama! I Love you.

The little things...

Its the little things that count that can pile up and burst.... I'm nearing there. The walls are building up, needs to be broken. May God heal my heart and sustain me with so much grace to keep loving. I know I said Love is a choice and yes, inspite... I am still choosing to love and forgive and trying to forget. Sigh!!!! So hard. =(

The Essense of the Cross...

Today, being Good Friday. I am once again reminded of how I was bought with a high price by the blood of Jesus. I am thankful to the Father God  who has loved me and still loves me like no other. I was undeserving because of my sins but I am now deserving because I have acknowledge His son as my Lord and Savior and by His Grace. Through Christ's act of Substitution, I am saved. Thank You Jesus for dying in the cross for me. I Love You. =)

Of Past Birthdays and Easter...

Oh I am so happy that my birthday did not fall on holy week this year. There were years when my birthday would fall on either of the 4 days, usually Black Saturday. Back when I was a practicing Catholic, my birthday was not fun because we were not allowed to have fun, we cannot party, we cannot even eat meat. ( Ooh, I love Steak!) - torture... Instead, we would join a procession, pray, go to mass,  do stations of the cross, listen to the seven last words. There were also years when I birthday would fall on an Easter Sunday... Happier times. The highlight of my birthday party would be an Easter Egg Hunt, giving away a pet bunny for a prize or colored chicks for giveaways. =)

Last year, my birthday almost fell on another holy week. I opted to celebrate earlier ( during Black Saturday since we didn't go anywhere anyway) by sponsoring a feeding program for kids (with plastic eggs with candies inside and loot bags for giveaways) then the next day ( Easter Sunday)  letting my friends unleash their creativity,competitive streak and child within them asking them to decorate their own Easter Eggs and giving away prizes... That was fun indeed.

Now I don't have plans yet for my upcoming birthday. Maybe, I will opt for a quiet, simple celebration. Its more than enough to have my family (except for my brother-in-law) here complete on my special day. I couldn't ask for anything more or could I? =)

" Me time..."

While most people I know and probably half of urban dwellers are taking this time to enjoy the 4 day holiday far from the city, we (my family and I) actually preferred to stay in. No, we are far from being anti-socials. Its just that we will be off to Cebu next week for my cousin Maita's wedding. It is wonderful and refreshing to see the metropolis uncrowded, no traffic and so quiet. I so love the quietness. I don't miss those annoying campaign jingles at all that blares so loud if i could just shush them off.  For the past years when we opt not to join the crowd during holy week, its always been the same and I love it. I am traditional but not a traditional Catholic. Well, I am not Catholic either so I have no religious obligations.  This is basically "Me time" or "Family time". Time to do whatever makes me happy like catch up with sleep... pamper myself... get a massage...read... watch videos... art... spend time with family... reflect.

"Me time" is good for your soul, for your inner being. I need not go anywhere to get recharged. This is how I get recharged. =) Have a restful, reflective Holy Week!